I don’t believe any of the lines in that text. None of what he said were remotely close to what happened in our time together. For whatever reason he no longer wants to be in my life and that is something that I need to get over. I have gone out with a few different people on dates and all of whom seem very nice and interested in me. It is just not the same. I don’t have the feelings for them that I did for this guy. Maybe it is because of the game he played on day 1 if he did in fact play a game. I really don’t know what happened or why it happened, but I am making myself crazy trying to figure it out. The fact that he hasn’t resurfaced tells me that he wasn’t just scared of his feelings for me. Generally, men than get spooked over feeling something will eventually reach out because they miss us. He is done with me. I saw his dating profile on Bumble. So, he is moving on.
I did the classic girl mistakes of texting him and emailing him. He has blocked me, so he doesn’t get my texts. There were a couple of days where I thought maybe he just needed to figure himself out. Well if there was any chance of him resurfacing, I have blown that one by acting like the obsessed school girl.
I went on a
date last night with a very nice guy. He
was funny and sweet. He kissed me
several times. I didn’t feel the
butterflies that I felt with Mr. Ghost.
I left that date (which was nice) in tears because the guy I want
doesn’t want me. I am hurt and angry,
but I still want him. If he was playing
me all along then I fell for the façade and that’s why these other people won’t
measure up.
Let’s recap
all that this guy did in our time together because none of this makes any sense
to me:
Week 1 – We met face to face at Starbucks
first on Thursday January 31. Then we
had our first official date that Saturday.
It was the BEST first date that I ever had in my life! We went wine tasting. Our body language showed how much we were
into each other! We talked and enjoyed
wine and it all felt so easy and natural to be with this person. However, a red flag that I may have missed…We
did get hot and heavy in the car and he did try to suggest we go back to his
place. I declined because I don’t do
that on the first date. If I would have
and he was playing me, that probably would have been it. He later met me up at the bowling alley where
I was hanging with friends. That showed
me and my friends that this guy was really interested and not just a salesman
(he is in sales) like some would think.
The next
time we met up was at my house. We were
supposed to go out to lunch. He brought
me the infamous flowers as a gesture for inviting me over. I showed him my home. As we were getting ready to leave for lunch,
we kissed. Then the kiss got more
passionate. He was aroused. He suggested we go to the couch and I brought
him to my bedroom. It was AMAZING!
After our
“lunch date” that evening I asked him to give me a favorite song so that I can
program a ring tone for him. He was
picking some silly sexual songs at first and I told him to clean it up in case
my daughter heard the phone ring. Then
he sent me a Coldplay song “Sky Full of Stars.”
At first, I didn’t think much of it.
Then he called me, so I could hear it ring and then he asked me to
listen to the words.
This melted my
heart! It could have been a classic
player move. I don’t know. I have never been played before. After that, he texted me a concern he
had. It wasn’t related to me at all, but
it divulged personal information that he felt he wanted me to know because he
felt that this thing we had was headed somewhere serious and then he ended that
with “I am falling for you Carrie Ann.
Don’t worry, your instincts are correct…I am one of the good guys.” Looking back…HA! WHY??? Why would he say and do that?
Later that week we
had lunch together and then we didn’t see each other over the weekend because
it was his weekend with his son, but we talked and texted constantly. He would text me first thing in the morning
on Saturday and Sunday and say things like “I couldn’t wait any longer to say
good morning!” He seemed giddy and happy
and I loved the affection. I felt wanted
and safe with this man! I told him that
I oddly felt comfortable and didn’t have to have my guard up. This was all over the first week of knowing
one another!
Week
2 – This was my birthday week! We saw each other on Monday the 11th to work
out together. I was so nervous because I
had just started to work out and this was Mr. Fitness from my perspective. Plus, this gorgeous man was going to see me without
makeup and a sweaty mess! He was
wonderful. I know I slowed down his work
out, but he was ok with it. He showed me
a few things and then we made out in my car (as gross and sweaty as we both
were.) This is when he gave me a
birthday present. I told him he didn’t
need to get me anything and that meeting him was present enough. We already decided we aren’t doing
Valentine’s Day (new relationship + pressure of a Hallmark holiday) so he
wanted to give me something. I opened it
when I got home, and it was the nicest card and like I mentioned in the last entry,
I had tears in my eyes. It said how
amazing I was and how he was falling for me.
I know the card writers wrote that, but he picked it out and later told
me that he thought it was perfect. The
words on the card are words he often said to me.
The next day was my
birthday. I spent it with my
daughter. He texted me “Happy Birthday”
first thing in the morning. We FaceTimed
in the afternoon and talked, and he again told me some personal information and
I felt a connection that he was able to confide in me about his hopes and
dreams for his career! We talked a few
more times that week but didn’t see each other until the weekend. That brings us to…
Week 3 (Final Week) –
This is the most painful week to write about because it
started out so perfect but then took a downward spiral fast and that is
probably why I am a mess of emotions….
We met for dinner
at Buffalo Wild Wings. He had a busy
week at work because there was a convention in Novi that he worked and set up
for. He met me after this
convention. He told me “It’s so great to
see you! I feel like it has been
months. Doesn’t it feel that way?” That indicated to me that the time we were
apart was hard for him and that he wanted to be with me as much as I wanted to
be with him. Again, my comfort level was
at an all time high for being with someone I just met. At dinner he told me that it meant a lot to
him that I had him to my house. He said
he had the utmost respect for my husband (who had passed away) and that it is
my and my daughter’s home. We talked
about our families. He told me about his
personal family life and some of it was not so pleasant. I told him that I felt bad for bringing it up
and he said that it is how we get to know each other. I told him the story of how I found my
husband the day he died. It was serious stuff,
but we were again, more connected. We
also discussed meeting each other’s kids.
We were going to put a plan in place for the next level of our
relationship. He also joked that when I
went to the bathroom he grabbed my butt so other people knew that I was his
girl for the men that were supposedly checking me out and for the women that
were looking at him to know. THIS DOES
NOT SOUND LIKE SOMEONE THAT IS CASUALLY DATING SOMEONE!
The next day we had
a BIG plan. I was anxious as I felt this
was a big step and had I known what would happen afterwards, I would never have
done it!
Saturday my
daughter had a sleepover party, so I was available for the night. He suggested I come and see his place. We would drink some wine and get to know each
other more and had a 2-hour rule where we had to keep our hands off each other,
so we can talk. Our talk was just as good
as at Buffalo Wild Wings and he looked at me as if he was in fact falling for
me. I saw it in his eyes and I felt it too. We later went into his room. By this time, we were feeling pretty good
after all the wine. We both said to each
other many times how it was awesome how comfortable we were together. We eventually fell asleep but then early in
the morning he woke me up for another round.
This wasn’t as nice as earlier and I kind of felt I was just there to
service him. It wasn’t a big deal but a comment
he made after made me feel a little used.
This is when I started thinking that something was up between us. This was the beginning of my overthinking
mind and I had a difficult time going back to sleep after that.
Then in the later morning, he woke up and
made coffee for both of us. He woke me
up. We were messing around again but I
was very groggy as it was early for me and I didn’t sleep much. I finally got up and got
dressed and went home. We were both
tired and a little hung over. I thought
it was a good weekend and a big step in our relationship. I made the mistake of mentioning that in a
text later that evening and he didn’t really react to that at all. I think maybe he sent an Emoji or something
but didn’t say anything. I thought that
he was possibly having second thoughts.
After that, I just
started to feel like the other shoe was about to drop! I don’t know what it was. We started out so hot and heavy and so into
each other. I just had this feeling. I kept trying to
ignore it because when we would speak on the phone, things were great. When we texted though, his texts were
shorter. A lot of “LOL” and Emoji’s but
not the number of kissy ones that he sent before. We met up for coffee on that Tuesday. He was definitely off! He complained about work the entire
time. He made a few nice comments about
how I looked but it was different. I was left
feeling uneasy. I didn’t know what to do
or say. Later that evening however, we
talked. I gave him some homemade
spaghetti and sauce because I wanted to show him that homemade sauce is the
best! He called to say how much he liked
it and said, “You are so sweet to me.” I
told him that I am always sweet to the people I care about in my life. I also told him that since he had taken me
out so many times, I wanted to take him out to dinner the next free
Saturday he had. He agreed, and I told
him I would make reservations…. We didn’t make it that long. ☹
On Wednesday the 20th,
the day started out alright. I got my
usual Bitmoji “Good morning” from him. I
don’t think it was lovey dovey like the usual ones, but I can’t recall. I also told him that I knew he was traveling
to Lansing and his boss was in town, so I wouldn’t text him. I would wait to hear from him. I never did.
I knew after 3:30pm he was done working because I knew he had to get his
son from school. It was odd that I never
heard from him. I texted him (even
though I said I wouldn’t) just to tell him that I left work early to take my
daughter to the Dr. He responded and
showed concern for her but not much else.
I asked how his day was and he just responded with “ok.” All his texts were short. No cute Emoji’s. No flirty words. It was very basic. I knew something was wrong. I didn’t know if it was me or not. I had that terrible gut wrenching feeling
again but it was more intense than ever!
When I got home, I called him. I
got his voicemail. This was unusual. I texted him and asked if everything was ok
because my instincts were telling me something was wrong. He called me back and sounded really
upset. I don’t know if me saying that
made him mad. I don’t know if I worried
him. Regardless, it wasn’t a good idea
to call him out because that was pretty much the end of us. Although thinking back, he probably had been thinking about ending it for a few days and this just gave him the push...
Later that night he
texted me and sounded irritated and said “No
disrespect but I had a bad day at work and I just needed time to hang out with
my son.” I wanted to cry! I actually did cry! I had no idea! How was I to know that something bad happened
at work? I never received a text that
anything was wrong! He never said he
needed a night to just chill and would talk another day! I had no idea! He made me feel like I was pressuring him to
talk to me instead of being with his son which I would NEVER, EVER do! I am all about not pressuring anyone. The next morning was it…
I texted him good
morning and apologized for assuming that whatever was wrong had to do with
me. I told him I would never expect him
to not spend time with his son to talk to me.
I just knew something was wrong.
I told him if he wanted to talk that I am here but if not, that’s ok
too. He replied about 45 minutes later
and this was the last time I heard from him…He basically said that he was
getting pressure to work harder and that he had been distracted. He then went on to say that rolodex breakup
to me. As you can see from all of the
above, I was never the one to make things seem serious. Those assumptions came from his words to
me. I never told him to blow off work
for me. I would never do that! I never had him on this pedestal like he
claimed. I was just extraordinarily
happy! I was not the one pushing things
fast. His words to me made me think that
is where he was headed. Had I known
these were his fears from day one, I would have had my guard up. I wouldn’t have made so many plans. I wouldn’t have been so comfortable to tell
him all my feelings! Now he is gone…He
won’t talk to me.
I have made ALL the
classic mistakes when someone breaks it off with you! I am not a big dater, so I didn’t know these
rules until afterwards.
I tried being angry and letting him know that the way he ended it was
not ok. It hurts people! I tried being understanding and saying that I
would be here after he figured things out.
I tried telling him if he wanted to slow it down I am ok with that. What did he do? He blocked my number! I got so furious! I went from being depressed to angry to
indifferent! The bottom line is, I don’t
get it at all! Do all his actions sounds
like someone that just wanted to mess around?
I think some of the things that he did and said perhaps
but for the most part, his word and actions really made me feel like he was the
guy for me!
He left me devastated and confused. My heart is mangled. I want to wallow but that won’t help
anyone. I tried rebounding, but I can’t
pull the trigger to do more than kiss people. I am sad, and I want this person
to be with me, but he doesn’t want me.
I go back
and forth on whether he was playing games with me or not. If he was, then those mental gymnastics were
abuse as far as I am concerned. If he got scared or turned off, then that is
fine but why not be honest? I get he thought he was being nice
by letting me down easy, but it wasn’t an easy let down! It wasn’t truthful. He placed all the blame on me and I was only following his lead! I am very hurt and very bitter! I don’t know how I will
ever forgive him or trust anyone else with my heart again. I keep seeing signs that remind me of Jason. I see his Jeep all over town now! I hear that song in random places and worst of all, on Bumble I have been matched with more "Jason's" than I can count! I can’t help but think that
this guy is “the one who got away” but he can't be because he doesn't feel the same.
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